My Step 01

August 4, 2006

As I said before, I had experimented with pn and mb from my youth upward, but I really came into my own in grad school.  As I became more ensconched in my addiction, I began to think of it as helpful.  If I needed to work all night on a paper, I would look at pn once my wife had gone to bed and the worrying surrounding that would keep me awake all night.  When my wife and I weren’t really talking, we seemed to work together better.  Looking at pn helps me make up for my inadequacies in bed.  Thoghts like this actually would occur to me.

When I thought my wife would leave, I actually contemplated what I would do.  I thought that I would have a week long binge, downloading everything I could think of that appealed.  I would then confess it to my bishop, explaining it away as grief at her leaving.  I used to think about how my life would be free-er if she crashed in a car wreck.  I used to think a lot of things.

I want to be clear here.  I love my wife.  I always have.  But addiction really monkeys with your thinking.  Even when I would have those thoughts, I would recoil, disbelieving that I had actually thought that.  But I had.

Eventually, I came to realize that pn had taken over my whole life.  I watched out for opportunities to find it everywhere I went.  I put off work and family time so that I could find more pn.  I came to believe that it was necessary to my ability to function, although I wasn’t really functioning at all.  I became a big mess.

Thankfully, I had a series of kind, serious bishops in the midst of all this who never let me despair.  They propped up my faith, supported my hope, and offered pure charity.  Whatever progress I make in life will always be due, in part, to those men, who are like saviors to me.  One (my current one, actually) finally convinced me to start attending 12 step meetings.

My first meeting was an LDS Addiction Recovery Program meeting, dealing primarily with alcoholics and drug addicts.  The people there amazed me.  First of all, everything that they said applied to me.  Second, I thought that my problems were minor compared to something like drug addiction and alcoholism.  They never treated my addiction as minor.  That said, I remain a bit in awe of people who are able to overcome chemical dependencies.  In any case, I recognized people like me here.

When I began attending a pn-specific meeting and talking about my problems every week, I began to be able to talk about what I was going through.  That’s the beginning.  Sitting there and saying, “Hi, I’m John and I am addicted to pn and mb…” made a world of difference to my recovery.

Wherever you are in your recovery, I hope that you also are learning to be honest with yourself.  Take Care!


6 Responses to “My Step 01”

  1. ethesis Says:

    Addiction is insanity.

  2. jsmith Says:

    Funny, I use to wish things like that on my husband that life would be better if something happened to him. Boy that guilt will eat you up. Watch what you say, You may get what you asked for. Mine took his life.

  3. jeffw Says:

    Man, do I know what you mean! Pn had taken over my life
    and the anger because of the powerlessness I felt was very strong.

    I started going to SAA and ARP meetings and life is going much better. I now facilitate a PASG meeting and it is amazing to know that I am not alone.

    God bless us all!


  4. Jason Says:

    Thanks for sharing your experience. We want everyone to know how to recover from this terrible addiction. We also believe that recovery is available to everyone. Please visit to find information about recovery from Pornography addiction, or help our foundation spread the message.

    Thanks again for being so open.

  5. A. Nonny Mous Says:

    I am a love addict / codependent. I began attending a women’s only meeting for sex & love addicts in May 2011 and finally began my healing process. I too began a blog hoping to help other women out there. I’m proud of you for your honesty. Keep fighting brother!

    • Stacie S. Says:

      A.Nanny Mouse: where can I read your blog? I am a 26 women living in Arizona and I have hit rock bottom so many times that i want to change but every time I try I always end up hitting it over and over again. I am a sex addict/ pn addict/ codependent and very depressed. And I cant seem to find any stories on women and how they are struggling with the same or some what same thing I am. I have been a member all my life on and off. but I don’t know how to turn everything over to the lord. I am hoping to find and learn what other women are doing.. and learning that I am not the only girl out there with this condition.

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