My Step 01

August 4, 2006

As I said before, I had experimented with pn and mb from my youth upward, but I really came into my own in grad school.  As I became more ensconched in my addiction, I began to think of it as helpful.  If I needed to work all night on a paper, I would look at pn once my wife had gone to bed and the worrying surrounding that would keep me awake all night.  When my wife and I weren’t really talking, we seemed to work together better.  Looking at pn helps me make up for my inadequacies in bed.  Thoghts like this actually would occur to me.

When I thought my wife would leave, I actually contemplated what I would do.  I thought that I would have a week long binge, downloading everything I could think of that appealed.  I would then confess it to my bishop, explaining it away as grief at her leaving.  I used to think about how my life would be free-er if she crashed in a car wreck.  I used to think a lot of things.

I want to be clear here.  I love my wife.  I always have.  But addiction really monkeys with your thinking.  Even when I would have those thoughts, I would recoil, disbelieving that I had actually thought that.  But I had.

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Who am I to talk?

July 20, 2006

Hi, my name is John and I am a sex addict, food addict, and a codependant.  I also have other cumpulsive tendencies.

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Steve Evans at By Common Consent is asking the question.  Please go help him find an answer.